THE most beautiful thing that ever happened to me is having all my babies. All eight of them. They were cute, fun, cuddly and so so adorable. I think they grow up too fast....
They are all so big, noisy and irritattingly endearing. And since I have always been so busy running around making sure there's money to pay the bills, the food and the loans, there was just no time to share the stories that went through.
Each of my babies are special in their own way.
Ayu, the eldest, is a cry baby. It was hard to raise her as she cried a lot and is so, so unhappy with herself, with me and everyone around her. In short, she is so unhappy being born in this world.
Perhaps, the state she is in describe how I felt throughout my pregnancy. I was not a happy mum-to-be. I cried a lot, depressed and did a lot of whining. Being 18, pregnant and married plus being a student was a huge burden.
All the emotional insecurities and rejection must have rubbed in on her, hence she always feel she is not good enough, not beautiful enough and not clever enough.
Ayu is 30 this year. Yet she doesn't show any signs that she has matured. Each time I look at Ayu, I could feel the pain she is going through life. She talks in such an abrupt manner, at times bordering on sarcasm. I wonder if that's how she really is.
There were many times, Ayu showed how vulnerable, confused, agitated and fussy she is. The soft and gentle side of her is always hidden. Only when she feels the need to have 'a mother' to be part of her life, she will give me a hug, a kiss or a gift. Ayu is a kind soul. I hate to blame anyone for what she has become. Sadly, Mak is partly responsible to what Ayu has turned out to be.
And of course I am absolutely at fault for not making time to see how my poor daughter was coping during all her teenage years.
Ayu lives away from me when she was growing up. She lived with Mak for all her life. Later part of her college days, she moved in with my late sister, Murni. Ayu was everywhere accept with me. And that is the saddest part. Perhaps thats why she resents me. Not that she speaks ill of me, afterall I am STILL her mother. But somehow I know Ayu wants to be loved and cared for. The years that separated us has become such a big vacuum.
The thing about the past is that its part of your personal history. They say there is no point lamenting over spilled milk. But I still harbour that thought. I love Ayu very dearly because all mothers just dote on their first child. Like all mothers, I have many dreams and aspirations for my first born.
When I carried Ayu, I was a student in ITM, married and living on Ayu's father meagre salary. To make matters worse, we lived with my parents. When I was divorced, Ayu was barely 4 months old. She was so adorable with her curly locks, round face, fair skin, big eyes BUT she was such a sad baby.
My parents took real good care of her while I work, slog and made my way to my first job, an administrator. I didnt have it easy with my strict father who is always telling me what's best for Ayu, what's best for me. I was bored, uninspired and always plotting to get away from my parents.
I married again shortly after Ayu turned 2. The marriage made my life more miserable and each time my parents had to bail me, I felt so small and ashamed of myself. I could not look after myself, let alone my beautiful Ayu.
I just hope when I am no longer around, Ayu will not blame me for all the mistakes I made or she made. And that she would embarce the past and learn to love her siblings with all their faults and weakness like what I am doing now.
And my dear Ayu, please make peace with yourself and never forget Allah!
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